Going back to my roots

Thump. Thump. Thump. My heart felt like it was about to beat outside of my chest. I hadn’t been back to here in ages it seemed. It took me three long years to muster up the courage to come back to Abilene Christian University.

Now, I was flying down a county road in the middle of nowhere, headed to Abilene, Texas. Dust and gravel spit up from underneath the car tires. The view out my window consisted of nothing but green pastures as far as your eyes could see. Dairy cows roamed freely around oil wells pumping rhythmically up and down into the cold earth.

My heart slowed as I crossed into Abilene. Everything looked so familiar. It was… comforting. I passed the Whataburger where I spent so many late nights. My mind flooded with memories of french fries dipped in strawberry shakes and sweet laughs shared with friends.

I passed the frozen yogurt shop where I used to work and reminisced about late nights mopping up sticky floors just to make a few bucks. I remembered why I gained the freshman fifteen. I passed the zoo and the Walmart and all of downtown Abilene. That’s about all there is to the city.

As I met with some friends, I remembered a phone conversation we had just a few weeks before sophomore year of classes started.

“Please don’t hate me, but I’m not coming back,” I cried as I hung up the phone. I buried my face into my stark white pillowcase that was beginning to stain with little black smudges from my mascara. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I wasn’t going back. I couldn’t.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to stay there. I did. I loved my time at ACU. But the Lord was clearly shutting the door and calling me to something else.  I had to leave Abilene to grow.

My friends and I decided to roam around campus so that they could show me the new science building, soccer field, and football field construction that was promised to be “done by our senior year” but still wasn’t.

Somehow we ended up at our old dorm. As we made the trek up the stairs to the west wing of the third floor, my mind flashed back to my younger brother struggling to carry my mini fridge up those stairs three years ago. Living on the third floor was such a pain when there was no elevator in the building.

I peered into the full-length mirror that stayed permanently at the end of the hall. The one I stopped to peer in so frequently for a last minute fix of my hair or tug at my shirt. I stared into the hazel eyes reflecting back at me.

The things you have seen, I thought to myself. The moments you have experienced.

My college career had led me from Abilene, to community college back home in Dallas, and finally, to Texas A&M University where I plan on graduating in August. When I started out at ACU freshman year, I had expected to stay there all four years of college. Reality has ripped away all of my expectations. Life cannot be planned, life simply happens.

Leaving Abilene was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. People often ask me if I like A&M better than ACU, to which I say the two are incomparable. They are both so near and dear to my heart.

I have too often felt like a nomad that does not belong anywhere or to anyone. But I have learned that as you grow, things that once fit you do not fit anymore. I am not a nomad, I am a hermit crab. And I am discovering that my once comfortable shell is now uncomfortable, and I must leave my comfort behind for something bigger and better. Something that will give me even more room to grow.

I didn’t want to leave ACU, but the Lord made it evident it was time for me to go. Every organization I tried to get in to refused me. Every on-campus job I applied for rejected me. Every tie was cut. Every door was closed to me. I didn’t understand. I knocked. I rang the doorbell. And I eventually banged on every door in exasperation with closed fists and a tear-stained face. I pleaded with God. And He told me no.

I moved home. I watched all of my friends have fun from afar while I worked full time and went to community college. I turned in my application to A&M a day late. I got accepted. And I realized that God had a plan for me the whole time.

Colossians 2:7 says, “Let your roots grow down into Him [Christ Jesus], and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

I had to leave Abilene in order to grow. And it is possible that the Lord is asking you to leave something behind so that you can grow too. It is hard, I’m not going to lie. But the good news is that no matter where we go, as long as we remain rooted in the Lord, we can grow.